It’s too broad and general… The only specific thing you mentioned in it was the computer science society, but then you didn’t say anything about why you
want to join that specific club over all the other ones. For example, maybe this club has internal coding competitions among club members that you think will
be a rewarding experience?
Also it’s better to say what specific company you want to intern for instead of saying you will apply for internships. If you don’t have a specific company in
mind, you can list the field you’re aiming for and list some companies in that field.
The same thing about specifics goes for the other things you mentioned about Penn, like what kind of atmosphere it has, how did you find out it has this
atmosphere (was it through a friend, people saying this in an online forum, or some Youtube video you saw about Penn online??)